I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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