Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
