it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I think people are normalizing furries
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize