I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
