i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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