went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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