my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
