guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
