I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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