planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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