It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
