the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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