He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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