the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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