if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
