Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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