apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
