he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
