Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
