So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
