I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
