He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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