i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
