I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
