Cold hands, warm shart.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
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