i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
