I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
