Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
