I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
