Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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