Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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