The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
