I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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