He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
