I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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