i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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