I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
