Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
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Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize