dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
