omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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