She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
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Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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