I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
try to milk me bitch
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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