I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
