dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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