your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
