now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
