trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
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i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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