I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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