im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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