so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I need moral support for this bender
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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