fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.