foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard