My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!