i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
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I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
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Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!