I'm so fucking centered right now
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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