dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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