sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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